This year, I made the difficult decision not to participate in the November NaNoWriMo, despite my excitement for it after completing my master’s degree. The reasons for this are numerous, though in no way new.

First and foremost are the ones that are weighing on most people right now. The pressing weight of financial stress and the relentless demands of everyday life have left me with no time, energy, or motivation to pursue my own hobbies. I’ve been fighting tooth and nail against this, raging against the idea that I should have to give up what makes me happy just to survive, but that’s at the cost of my mental and physical health. I need to step back from something or I’m going to break.

On top of that, the changing seasons bring with them additional challenges. The cold and the dark exacerbate my battle with depression and anxiety, all while the relentless marketing messages of the “holiday season” make me feel inadequate for not buying all the things that they swear will fix my life. While this is a familiar struggle for me, it’s not one that ever gets easier.

And of course, the holiday season brings with it familial obligations. These family gatherings, while well-intentioned, can trigger my CPTSD, unleashing a storm of emotions and memories that leave me in a slump for the majority of this half of the year.

So with all of this stress and the disappointment of the things I’m not doing for myself right now, let’s look at the other side. What am I doing to make life just that little bit more bearable?

Escape Through Video Games

I’ve spent a considerable amount of time throughout my adult life feeling guilty for “wasting” time on video games that could be better utilized being productive. But, frankly, fuck that noise. Especially this time of the year, video games are a welcome solace to thinking too much about the negatives of my life.

So yeah, I’m gonna play countless hours of Tears of the Kingdom and House Flipper because they make life more bearable. And because they’re fun.

Media Detox

This is a big one, because it really got out of hand while I was working on my masters and now it’s a harder habit to break. See, while I was working my masters, I didn’t have time for video games. I couldn’t afford to lose myself in another world for hours at a time, completely unaware of any sort of time management. But I still needed a quick and easy stress reliever. So I swapped that out for watching videos on YouTube and scrolling on social media. It worked at first because videos were about a half an hour long, so I’d zone out for half an hour, then go back to my schoolwork.

But then I subscribed to more YouTubers and following more people online. And then I got into the habit of, “I’ll just watch the new videos then get to work,” and that time just kept extending. Now I find myself automatically sitting in front of the TV for hours at a time in the afternoons to watch videos I don’t even care about because I feel like I need to get them all switched over to watched.

Who knew a little red line could be so addictive? Well, YouTube, presumably.

So now I’m working on reducing that bit by bit. Instead of automatically setting up videos to watch on the TV when I have a spare moment, I’m giving myself time to pause and actually reflect on what I want to do. It sounds obvious, but with an autistic mind that thrives on routine, it’s easier said than done.

I’m doing the same when it comes to scrolling on my phone. Am I pulling up Instagram because I want to see a specific person updated? Or am I just doing this out of habit to waste time? And are there things I’d rather be doing?

Reading and Research

This is what I’m replacing my media consumption with in most cases. A lot of research today can start on social media, with specific people who specialize in different subjects. So I redirect my gaze to these people, and instead of spending hours scrolling mindlessly, I find something they’ve posted that sparks my interest, and dig into that for a while.

My current obsession is Irish writer, linguist, and folklorist Manchán Magan. This man is living my dream life, learning all of the really specific nuances of Irish language and how it interacts with and relates to Irish mythology, and spending his time traveling the world to speak with people from other cultures to learn from them and find common ground.

His books get deep into the nitty gritty of Irish language and how you can learn so much about a culture by what their words focus on. Honestly, I could gush about his work all day. But the important bit for this blog post is that his social media is the same as his books. He posts interesting and obscure words in Irish along with their meaning and history. He writes about myths and culture. He uploads pictures of his latest adventures. And all of it is infinitely inspiring to me.

Along with reading his books, I’ve been diving more into fiction again, uncovering new authors to follow and dissecting YA fantasy novels to see how they build and structure their worlds.

Slow Progress

Finally, I am, of course, still working on my novel, even if it isn’t at the pace I want. Progress is very slow, but it is still progress. I’m actively exploring various plotting techniques and editing strategies to help me restructure my narrative. My journey includes a meticulous read-through of the manuscript with concurrent edits. To visualize my plot’s transformation, I’ve employed the “sticky note method” which has now taken over a large portion of my office’s closet doors.

The decision to forego this year’s NaNoWriMo was not an easy one. NaNoWriMo is something I’ve been doing since I was a teenager, and it has been a large source of inspiration and joy for me in the past. However, I believe that stepping back from self-imposed commitments is the right choice for me at this time.

It’s an act of self-compassion, not an act of defeat. While these challenges persist, I am learning to seek solace in alternative avenues for fueling my creative spirit. Avenues that don’t require as much energy or time. And while it is, of course, disappointing, I can find reassurance in the idea that disappointment for this year may be what it takes for me to be more successful in the future.