As mentioned in my previous blog post, I’ve been doing a few things lately that scare me, the sorts of things that I never would’ve been capable of doing just a few years ago.

A few weeks ago, I reached out to my local animal shelter (where I got my kitties from!) about helping them with marketing and other digital initiatives, and today (quite literally just before writing this blog), I finished putting together a grant application! Both feel so important and like something a real, functional adult does. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but for me, it’s a pretty big deal.

The grant application is for the Minnesota State Arts Board “Creative Individuals” Grant, and it would give me the money I need to hire an editor for Wilder Lands to help me prep it for querying agents. This is a step I’ve never been able to afford before, and, based on the good feedback I’ve gotten in rejection emails from publishing agents in the past, it just might give me the edge I need to get a publishing deal!

It’s overwhelming to think about, so I’m doing my best to take things one step at a time.

The other part of the grant application, just to add a little bit of extra spice to my life, is it requires a portion that engages Minnesotans in your art or art process. For my application, I’ve come up with a community ed hosted editing workshop, an idea that, when I first imagined it, made me feel like I was going to throw up. But I’ll be honest, the more I think about it, the more I’m sort of actually into it?

Sure, the whole, teaching a class that consists of whoever decides to show up, standing in front of people and actually conducting the class, still sounds absolutely terrifying. But it’s just the “people” aspect that scares me. I actually really enjoy teaching people things, creating presentations, etc. Once I find a way to manage the “people” anxiety, the rest of it sounds kind of fun.

I even reached out to my local community ed coordinator already, to see if they’d be interested in doing a writing workshop in the first place, and now I’m entertaining the idea of doing more workshops.

Basically, I started thinking about how alone I felt when I was a teen and getting into writing for the first time. I didn’t have anyone to help or support any of what I was doing. I didn’t have any guidance. I certainly didn’t know any adults who were also fiction writers who I could look up to. And I find that I really like the idea of being that person, if I can be, for kids getting into writing now.

Of course, the workshop I’m planning for my grant isn’t really aimed at kids. Because my grant is asking for money to hire an editor, my workshop is focused on editing as well, and so aimed at adults who have already started engaging in the writing process but want some tips and tricks on where to start with editing. I think it will also be an interesting workshop to develop and run – it will, especially, make me reflect on what I’ve learned over the years. But I doubt that any of the adults in the group will be in the sort of situation I was in as a teen.

But I’ve gotten off on a bit of a tangent. My original focus for the blog post was meant to be the interesting development of all of this “putting myself out there.” For those of you who have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that I’ve been struggling for . . . pretty much as long as this blog has been going with depleted creativity.

It’s just been a long time since I’ve felt like my true creative self. When I was a teenager, I felt like I had all of this creative energy. I drew, I painted, I played with clay, I wrote, I colored, I ramshackled bits of things I found together with other bits of things I found. Basically if it was a form of creating, I did it. But for years, I’ve just felt empty of those sorts of feelings. I was starting to worry that I broke whatever part of myself did all that creating when I was younger.

To try to help solve the problem, I went back to basics. I started trying to just create things without focusing on doing it “good” or “right” or any of those other things.

I reminded myself that imitation is the first step toward mastering a skill. If I saw a design I liked and I wanted to try it, I did. If I wasn’t able to make anything new out of it, then it was just for me, just for practice. I started following a bunch of doodle accounts on Instagram, and every time I saw one that I thought looked fun, I tried it out for myself. I bought paint by number canvases so I could just turn my brain off and focus deeply on colors and tiny portions of canvases and still end up with something beautiful in the end.

And you know what? It’s working. I’m feeling more creative than I have in years. I’ve had breakthroughs editing my manuscript in places where I’ve been stuck for ages. Things just seem to come together in ways that they haven’t for so long.

In some ways, this has caused some frustration. Sometimes, I have this uncontrollable urge to create but I have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I need to get specific things done but the creative urge is driving me in a different direction entirely. But on a whole, I’ve just been feeling like myself again. And it’s a big part of why I’ve been putting myself out there the way I have with these opportunities. I want to experience more, I want more variety and experience. And these opportunities are a great way to get it.

So here’s hoping that I can maintain this momentum!