I’m still really struggling right now, so blog posts have felt like too much, but I’m bound and determined to get this reflection on 2025 done before the end of January. There’s so much that I want to say—that I wish I could say in this forum—but I have neither the energy nor do I trust that it won’t be used against me. So suffice it to say that life is extra shitty right now for so many reasons, and I’m not okay, but I’m getting by. I’ve got my support system and they’re helping hold me aloft.

So instead, let’s take a look at what I was able to accomplish over the past year despite the horrors.

As long-time readers will know, I had a Creative Individuals grant this year through the Minnesota State Arts Board which allowed me to hire an editor to help with developmental edits for Wilderlands. I’m eternally grateful that this grant exists and that Minnesota as a state values art enough to have this grant, because without it, I never would’ve been able to afford to hire an editor. This whole experience was enabled by this grant.

However, when I did the application for this grant, I was so nervous about not getting it (and not having any idea what I was doing), that I only budgeted for specific expenses that I knew. I didn’t put any money in to compensate myself because I didn’t think that I could rightly ask for compensation on top of that.

As it turns out, that was a mistake. Not only did I get that feedback from the review committee but I also struggled majorly this year financially, knowing that I could have (should have) compensated myself for all of the extra work I was putting in for my grant. But I didn’t, and I can’t change that, so there’s no real reason to dwell on it.

Not having that compensation put more strain on me as I was trying to keep up with the extra burden of that work without the extra compensation. In order to complete my edits, I had to rewrite a minimum of 2 scenes per week, spending up to 8 hours a day at least 2 days a week for nearly 8 months. For someone who already struggles to function after a full day of work, this meant I basically wasn’t getting a break ever.

At the same time, because I didn’t take any extra money out for compensation, the grant isn’t putting any extra burden on me from a tax perspective, because this grant is considered taxable income, but nearly every cent of it is accounted for in expenses.

Another strain created by all of this extra work is that I haven’t been able to keep up with my Irish. I ran out of Duolingo Irish lessons (and didn’t want to continue with them anyway due to their “all AI” stance), and haven’t had time to find a replacement, nor have I had time to practice it. I feel like I’m quickly losing what little knowledge I was able to gain, but I’m just too exhausted to keep up on. And I’m not able to find any other outlets that work for me as well as. I don’t learn language well in social situations because it just triggers my social anxiety. Most groups offering Irish language are conversation based, so those aren’t very accessible to me. I also found that the gamification aspect of Duolingo is what kept me coming back, and I haven’t been able to get into any other offerings the way I did that.

Weirdly, despite this lack of time and energy, I did end up dabbling in a new hobby. I picked up embroidery because I have a pair of shorts that I wanted to save from fashion-hole hell. I was surprised to find how much I enjoyed it. It was hard on my hands because of my joint pain, but I’ve decided to keep it around. Next up, I’m adding some embroidery to one of my shirts for the renaissance.

Looking back on on this year, my list of “accomplishments” feels so much smaller than previous years, but I also know that my writing took up so much more of my time. I’m trying to be okay with not feeling like I accomplish as much this past year as I should have. I know that I have actually accomplished just as much as previous years if not more.

Now as we move into a new year, I’m looking ahead at the new year, I’m looking at more book edits to hopefully get Wilderlands ready to query, but I’m also hoping to work with a friend of mine on a little art store that can help bring in some supplemental income. Mostly, I’m just hoping to take it a little easier this year, because I’m still feeling exhausted by life in general. But it will keep me going, and that’s what’s important.